One Thing About Having An Eating Disorder That I Think Is Hard For People to Understand

By: Jennifer Rollin, LCSW-C, Therapist & Founder of The Eating Disorder Center

My eating disorder started because I didn’t like how a dress looked on me.

I was standing in Nordstrom trying on dresses when I made a promise to myself that I would “lose weight.” At the time, it felt harmless. So many women talk about dieting casually that I didn’t think twice about it. I had no idea that one seemingly innocent decision would slowly turn into a serious eating disorder that would eventually consume almost every part of my life.

To the outside world, it probably looked like I was simply “being healthy.” People complimented me. But internally, a serious mental illness was taking over my brain little by little, and then all at once.

I never in a million years thought that dieting would leave me diagnosed with anorexia, meeting weekly with a therapist and dietitian, and living in constant fear of gaining weight. I couldn’t imagine that food, exercise, and my body would eventually dominate nearly every thought I had.

One thing I think is difficult for people who haven’t experienced an eating disorder to fully understand is just how consuming it becomes. At my sickest, I would say that 80 percent of my thoughts revolved around food, exercise, calories, my body, or when I was “allowed” to eat next. There was barely any mental space left for anything else.

I was constantly watching the clock and counting down until my next meal or snack. There’s a misconception that people with eating disorders simply don’t eat. That wasn’t true for me and isn’t true for many. I ate every day. But I was still malnourished because my body wasn’t getting what it actually needed.

And when I wasn’t thinking about food, I was thinking about my body. I was trying to “get steps in,” worrying that I had eaten too much, or feeling cold, depressed, anxious, and exhausted. My eating disorder stole my focus, my energy, my joy, and honestly, my personality at times.

What’s also complicated, is that my eating disorder felt safe to me in some ways. It felt familiar. Predictable. It gave me a sense of identity and a (false) sense of control when life felt overwhelming. The thought of recovering was terrifying because I didn’t know who I would be without it. If you’ve struggled with an eating disorder, you probably understand exactly what I mean.

Recovery meant learning how to exist without the coping mechanism I had relied on for so long. It meant challenging thoughts that had become automatic. It meant eating when my eating disorder told me not to. It meant gaining weight, feeling uncomfortable, and learning how to trust my body again.

And while recovery was  hard, I can honestly say my life is so much bigger now than it ever was during my eating disorder.
The biggest difference? I finally have mental space again.

Today, my thoughts are filled with things like my kids, conversations with my husband, work projects, friendships, and random hobbies. Lately I’ve been invested in trying to get our lawn to grow—which honestly feels hilarious compared to the obsessive thoughts that used to dominate my brain. I think about sunshine, family plans, books I want to read, what I’m making for dinner, and what I want to do during my breaks from work.

In other words, I think about life.

When I was in my eating disorder, there was no room for that. Everything revolved around rules, fear, numbers, and routines. Now, I spend very little time thinking about my body, and that freedom is something I never take for granted. There is so much peace in not constantly analyzing yourself.

Eating disorder recovery gave me my life back. It gave me relationships back. It gave me the ability to be present again.

If you are currently struggling with anorexia, bulimia, binge eating, disordered eating, or obsessive thoughts around food and exercise, I want you to know that recovery is possible. I know it can feel terrifying to let go of the behaviors that once felt comforting, but healing opens up so much more space for joy, connection, purpose, and peace.

Getting professional help was one of the most important parts of my recovery journey. Working with a therapist, dietitian, and eating disorder treatment team helped me challenge beliefs that I couldn’t untangle on my own. You do not have to fight this battle alone.

Recovery is hard, but staying trapped in an eating disorder is hard too. And on the other side of healing, there is so much more life waiting for you than you can possibly imagine.

Schedule a FREE 15-minute consultation to explore how eating disorder therapy or recovery coaching can help you to find freedom.

🌟 Available in MD, VA, DC, PA, FL, and CA for eating disorder therapy
🌍 Offering recovery coaching worldwide

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Jennifer Rollin, MSW, LCSW-C (she/her), is an award-winning eating disorder therapist and the founder of The Eating Disorder Center, a specialized therapy practice for eating disorders and body image concerns. Jennifer uses ACT, CBT, and DBT to help clients find freedom from eating disorders and body image struggles.  Jennifer is recognized as a leading eating disorder expert and was named one of the top professionals in the field by a premier treatment center. She is the recipient of the Best of Bethesda Award for Best Individual Therapist (2025) and the Best of Rockville Award (2020–2024). She helps clients to live full, meaningful lives, beyond food and body image concerns.

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The Eating Disorder Center is a premier outpatient eating disorder therapy center founded by Jennifer Rollin. We specialize in helping children, teens, and adults struggling with anorexia, binge eating disorder, bulimia, OSFED, and body image issues. We provide eating disorder therapy in Rockville, MD, easily accessible to individuals in Potomac, North Potomac, Bethesda, Olney, Silver Spring, Germantown, and Washington, D.C. We also provide eating disorder therapy in Arlington, Virginia and virtually throughout Virginia. Additionally, we offer eating disorder therapy virtually in Florida, Pennsylvania, and California. We provide eating disorder and EMDR trauma therapy in Rockville, Maryland and virtually throughout Maryland and Virginia. We provide eating disorder recovery coaching via Zoom to people worldwide. Connect with us through our website at www.theeatingdisordercenter.com