What I Wish I Knew at the Beginning of Eating Disorder Recovery

Reflections From a Therapist Who Recovered
​By: Jennifer Rollin, LCSW-C, Founder of The Eating Disorder Center

When I first realized that I had an eating disorder and that I desperately wanted to be free from it, I was terrified. The eating disorder told me a bunch of lies about how my life would be horrible without it. My anxiety around challenging any of the loud rules that it yelled at me throughout the day was incredibly high. However, I was also becoming increasingly depressed and exhausted.

I remember telling myself that “I could always go back to the eating disorder if I hated my life when I recovered” but that “I had to try something different because continuing to live like this was absolutely miserable.”

Yes, there were fleeting highs when the compliments initially poured in. As well as a (false) sense of control that I felt. However, most of my thoughts had become consumed with weight, food, and exercise. I once cried in anticipation of a weekend away, as there would be no gym and I couldn’t control the food that would be served.

I was deeply unhappy, but partially in denial about how bad things truly were. I struggled with ‘not feeling sick enough’ at times. And told myself maybe things weren’t so bad and I didn’t need to get better. If I could convince myself “things were fine,” then I didn’t have to face the anxiety of challenging my rules (this was subconscious). 


Things That I Wish I Knew When I Started Recovery

1. I wish that I knew that there is no such thing as ‘not being sick enough.’

No matter your weight, body size, labs, symptoms – ANYONE who is struggling with a difficult relationship to food and their body deserves treatment and support. 

The idea that you are ‘not sick enough’ is an absolute lie told by an eating disorder (and sometimes society) due to false stereotypes that keep people sick and even more deeply entrenched in an eating disorder.

Do NOT wait to seek help until you are ‘struggling more.’ This makes no sense and is harmful in the long run. You deserve support and treatment now. 

In fact, it was only when things eventually improved that I realized how unwell I actually had been.


2. I wish I knew that leaning on my treatment team would help.

Real talk: I sometimes sent panicked emails to my therapist and dietitian when I was struggling. Being able to hear something back helped me to give myself permission in the early days to challenge my eating disorder rules, when I was really struggling to do so.

It is not shameful or ‘being a burden’ to lean on your treatment team — i.e., your eating disorder therapist, recovery coach, and/or dietitian when you are struggling. Of course they each have their own boundaries around out-of-session contact, and you can discuss what those are. However, if some of them are open to being available between sessions, that can be so helpful. 

Learning to turn towards other people instead of leaning on an eating disorder is a key part of the recovery process for many.


3. I wish I knew that having an eating disorder wasn’t something to be ashamed of.

Initially, I felt shame and embarrassment around struggling with an eating disorder. I didn’t tell most people in my life outside of family and my treatment team because I was embarrassed and thought that people wouldn’t understand.

I’m sure there are folks who wouldn’t have understood; however, there are also other people who struggle with eating disorders and other mental health conditions.

Let me shout this from the rooftops: eating disorders are mental illnesses NOT choices or issues related to someone ‘being vain.’

It’s not your fault that you are struggling. You deserve to send yourself compassion.


4. I wish I knew how much better my life would be after an eating disorder.

At the time, I saw no way that I could ever truly get better. I thought I'd have memorized calorie counts in my head forever. But over time and with challenging my eating disorder’s rules, those thoughts eventually faded.

I could never have imagined how great my life would be after an eating disorder. I am married to the love of my life, I have two kids, and I have a ton of brain space to pursue my passions and meaningful work that I enjoy.

When I was sick, I believed that recovery was possible for other people but not for me. I thought that I was ‘too far gone’ and that other people possessed a strength that I didn’t have.

I wish I could have seen a glimpse into the future to know that my hard work would be worth it. At the time, I had to rely on blind faith and simply putting one step in front of another, reminding myself of my motivations and how awful I felt the more entrenched I became in my eating disorder. Now, this is not to say that my eating disorder didn’t still lie to me and feel like a ‘friend’ and source of companionship. There were real pulls towards the disorder. But, eventually, I was able to find those things I longed for totally outside of the eating disorder. 

My eating disorder gave a false sense of security and comfort, with short-term feelings of ‘control’ and longer-term isolation that made my whole world incredibly small.

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5. I wish I knew how ‘out of control’ my eating disorder actually made me.

My eating disorder told me that it made me ‘in control’ of my life, when many other things felt out of control.

It told me this while making me do things that my authentic self never would have done.

It told me this while totally controlling aspects of my life and shrinking my world.

It told me this while isolating me from people that I cared about.

It told me this while filling my head with constant thoughts about food, weight and my body, to where I hardly had the mental energy to think about anything else.

I have a ton of examples, but I don’t want to share too many potentially triggering details. 

The reality is that I was absolutely NOT in control. Rather, I was being totally controlled by a mental illness. I just absolutely could not see it at the time.


The Bottom Line
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If you are struggling with an eating disorder, I would strongly encourage you to reach out for help. Recovery and a life free from an eating disorder is possible. You deserve a full life and to not continue to feel so trapped.

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Schedule a FREE 15-minute consultation to explore how eating disorder therapy or recovery coaching can help you to find freedom.​
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🌟 Available in MD, VA, DC, PA, NY, FL, and CA for eating disorder therapy
🌍 Offering recovery coaching worldwide

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The Eating Disorder Center is a premier outpatient eating disorder therapy center founded by Jennifer Rollin. We specialize in helping children, teens, and adults struggling with anorexia, binge eating disorder, bulimia, OSFED, and body image issues. We provide eating disorder therapy in Rockville, MD, easily accessible to individuals in Potomac, North Potomac, Bethesda, Olney, Silver Spring, Germantown, and Washington, D.C. We also provide eating disorder therapy in Arlington, Virginia and virtually throughout Virginia. Additionally, we offer eating disorder therapy virtually in New York (NYC), Florida, Pennsylvania, and California. We provide eating disorder and EMDR trauma therapy in Rockville, Maryland and virtually throughout Maryland and Virginia. We provide eating disorder recovery coaching via Zoom to people worldwide. Connect with us through our website at www.theeatingdisordercenter.com