What to Say and What Not to Say to Your Teen or Adult Child in Eating Disorder Recovery

With Jennifer Rollin, LCSW-C, Therapist & Founder of The Eating Disorder Center

If you are parenting a teen or adult child with an eating disorder, chances are you have replayed conversations in your head at 2 a.m. wondering if you said the wrong thing. Maybe you tried to help and it backfired. Maybe you stayed quiet and worried that your silence made things worse. Most parents are doing the best they can in a situation that is scary and often confusing.

There is no perfect script. But there are ways of communicating that tend to support recovery, and others that unintentionally fuel shame, fear, or resistance. Below are some common things that parents may hear from teens and adult children with eating disorders, and how to respond in a way that is supportive without becoming the food police or a therapist.

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When your child says, “I don’t want help”

This is one of the hardest things for a parent to hear. It can feel terrifying, especially when you can see how much your child is struggling.

What not to say:

• “If you loved us, you’d try.”
• “You’re being selfish.”
• “You’re going to end up hospitalized if you don’t do something.”

While these statements often come from fear, they tend to increase defensiveness and power struggles. Eating disorders thrive on a (false!) sense of control. The more trapped someone feels, the more tightly they may cling to the disorder.

What to say instead:

• “I hear that you don’t want help right now. I’m still here and I’m not going anywhere.”
• “I can tell this feels overwhelming or scary for you.”
• “You get to have a say in what support looks like.”
• “Even if you’re not ready for treatment, I want to understand what this has been like for you.”
• “I hear that you don’t want to get help and I'm worried about you. So, I'm asking that you at least start with an evaluation from a specialist and we can see what they recommend. Would you like to help pick the specialist if I show you some bios? ”

You can hold boundaries while still honoring autonomy. For teens, this might mean saying, “I know you don’t want help, and at the same time, my job is to keep you safe. We can talk about what kind of support feels least awful.” For adult children, it might mean staying connected rather than withdrawing in frustration.


When your child says, “I’m scared to recover”

This is incredibly common, and often misunderstood. Fear of recovery does not mean someone wants to stay sick. It usually means the eating disorder feels protective, familiar, or necessary for coping.

What not to say:

• “But recovery will make you happy.”
• “There’s nothing to be scared of.”
• “You’re choosing this.”
• “Just eat and it will get easier.”

These responses can feel invalidating. To someone with an eating disorder, recovery can feel like losing the only thing that feels like it helps them to  manage anxiety, emotions, or identity.

What to say instead:

• “It makes sense that recovery feels scary.”
• “What feels most frightening about it right now?”
• “You don’t have to be ready forever. You just have to get through today.”
• “We can take this one step at a time.”

You are not reinforcing the eating disorder by validating fear. You are validating the emotional experience underneath it. 


When your child says, “I hate my body”

Parents often panic here and rush to reassure. While well-intentioned, this can miss the mark.

What not to say:

• “You’re beautiful.”
• “You’re too thin to worry about that.”
• “I wish I had your body.”
• “Your body is the least interesting thing about you.”

Compliments can backfire because they keep the focus on appearance and some may reinforce the eating disorder. Minimizing the feeling can make your child feel misunderstood or unseen.

What to say instead:

• “I’m really sorry you’re feeling that way about your body.”
• “That sounds painful.”
• “You don’t have to love your body to take care of it.”
• “We can work toward respecting your body, even on days that you hate it.”

Body image distress is not a “logic” problem. It is an emotional and neurological one. Meeting it with empathy is far more effective than trying to talk it away.


Other common things people with eating disorders may say, and how to respond

1. “I feel out of control.”
Instead of reassuring or correcting, try: “It sounds like things feel really overwhelming right now. Where do you feel that loss of control most?”

2. “I’m fine. You’re overreacting.”
Try: “I’m checking in because I care about you. I want you to know that I’m here if you want to talk more about things.”

3. “I’ll recover later. I just can’t right now.”
Try: “What feels impossible about now? What would make this moment even slightly easier?”

4. “Everyone else can eat normally. Why can’t I?”
Try: “Eating disorders don’t say anything about your strength or willpower. They are a mental illness-not something that you are choosing."

5. “I don’t want to talk about this.”
Try: “Okay. We don’t have to talk right now. I’m here when you want to talk more.”


A few guiding principles for parents

First, you do not need to say the perfect thing. Repair matters more than perfection. If you say something that lands wrong, you can always come back and say, “I’ve been thinking about what I said earlier and I want to apologize.” 

Second, curiosity is almost always more helpful than correction. Asking open-ended questions communicates respect and reduces power struggles.

Third, supporting someone with an eating disorder can be emotionally tough. You are allowed to need support too. Parent coaching can be incredibly helpful in learning how to respond without burning out or becoming consumed by fear.

Support for parents and families

At The Eating Disorder Center, we offer eating disorder recovery coaching worldwide for teens and adults. Our coaching is provided by Master’s level clinicians and therapists who specialize in eating disorder recovery. One of our coaches is personally recovered from an eating disorder and brings both clinical expertise and lived experience to the work.

We also offer parent coaching for caregivers who want guidance on how to support their child without constant conflict, fear, or second-guessing. Parent coaching focuses on communication, boundaries, emotional regulation, and helping you feel more confident in how you show up, even when your child is ambivalent about recovery.

If you are feeling stuck, overwhelmed, or unsure what to say anymore, you do not have to figure this out alone. We’d be happy to help.

Schedule a FREE 15-minute consultation to explore how eating disorder therapy or recovery coaching can help you to find freedom.

🌟 Available in MD, VA, DC, PA, FL, and CA for eating disorder therapy
🌍 Offering recovery coaching worldwide

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Jennifer Rollin, MSW, LCSW-C (she/her), is an award-winning eating disorder therapist and the founder of The Eating Disorder Center, a specialized therapy practice for eating disorders and body image concerns. Jennifer uses ACT, CBT, and DBT to help clients find freedom from eating disorders and body image struggles.  Jennifer is recognized as a leading eating disorder expert and was named one of the top professionals in the field by a premier treatment center. She is the recipient of the Best of Bethesda Award for Best Individual Therapist (2025) and the Best of Rockville Award (2020–2024). She helps clients to live full, meaningful lives, beyond food and body image concerns.

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The Eating Disorder Center is a premier outpatient eating disorder therapy center founded by Jennifer Rollin. We specialize in helping children, teens, and adults struggling with anorexia, binge eating disorder, bulimia, OSFED, and body image issues. We provide eating disorder therapy in Rockville, MD, easily accessible to individuals in Potomac, North Potomac, Bethesda, Olney, Silver Spring, Germantown, and Washington, D.C. We also provide eating disorder therapy in Arlington, Virginia and virtually throughout Virginia. Additionally, we offer eating disorder therapy virtually in Florida, Pennsylvania, and California. We provide eating disorder and EMDR trauma therapy in Rockville, Maryland and virtually throughout Maryland and Virginia. We provide eating disorder recovery coaching via Zoom to people worldwide. Connect with us through our website at www.theeatingdisordercenter.com